Emmett's a peach
by Indy is awesome
Summary: A series of random drabbles in the Twilight universe. Rated M for profanity, sex, inappropriate relationships, nudity, sex-related songs, violence, and death.
1. Chatroom with the Cullens

**Emmett's a peach**

**A/N: This is set after Eclipse and before Breaking Dawn.**

Chapter 1: In the chatroom

(Emmett has entered.)

Emmett: Hi, guys.

Bella: Hi, Emmett. =)

Rose: (hugs)

Emmett: Awww, thanks, sweetie muffin. (hugs and kisses)

Bella: Sweetie muffin? (giggles)

Emmett: So what? Edward calls you a spider moneky.

Emmett: *monkey

Bella: Wow, Emmett, you can't even spell "monkey" right? Shame...

Bella: Anyway, it's cute. Sweetie muffin is just... well, silly. =)

Rose: Don't take it the wrong way, hon, but sometimes, you need to mind your own business.

Emmett: What Rose said.

Bella: (rolls eyes)

Rose: Typical eighteen-year-old.

Bella: (raises eyebrow) And you're not?

Rose: I'm fricking Methuselah.

Emmett: No, Carlisle's fricking Methuselah.

Emmett: Well, he's the closest to Methuselah. Methuselah's about 9,000 years old, and Carlisle was born in the 1600s.

Bella: Wasn't aware you read, sweetie muffin.

Emmett: I have a brain.

Bella: But it's turned off most of the time.

Emmett: All right, now you're just being a bitch.

Emmett: Hopefully, Edward will come, and then you'll make lovey-dovey-goo-goo talk at each other and leave us alone.

Emmett: Rose, you and Bella are polar opposites. I wonder what the hell you were talking about earlier?

Rose: Girl stuff.

Emmett: Never mind, then.

Bella: XD

(Edward has entered.)

Bella: Yay! (hugs Edward)

Edward: (hugs Bella)

Rose: Oh, look, the drama queen and the Byronic hero.

Edward: (rolls eyes)

Edward: I never mind when you do that, Rose. You've known that for a while.

Rose: Well, I for one am glad you didn't choose me when you were offered the chance.

Rose: That would've been a match made in Hell.

Edward: I would have to agree, Rose.

Bella: Can't we all just get along? I mean, really. You're acting like... brothers and sisters.

Edward: Don't worry, Bella, we all love each other. We just sometimes don't know when to keep our mouths shut.

Rose: "We"?

Rose: I know exactly what you're talking about. Edward, you know I would die for a baby.

Edward: Well, hell, adopt one. When the bloodlust gets to you, contact Carlisle.

Rose: Edward, just shut up. Talk to Bella, she's the only one who likes you.

Edward: Indeed I will.

Edward: So, Bella, had any problems with Jacob lately?

Bella: Lolwut? He's my best friend.

Bella: He's a great guy.

Emmett: Yeah, he'd kill us all if it didn't violate the treaty. Great guy, all right.

Bella: (shrugs) He just doesn't know any better. He's really nice when you get to know him.

Rose: "Yes, the way he looks at me. Just like a Seargant Major."

Bella: XD I love P.G. Wodehouse.

Rose: Oh, you do? Good for you.

Rose: The reason I said that quote was that I passed by Jacob in the mall the other day.

Rose: He glared at me **acidly.** I was scared shitless. I thought he was going to wolf out right there.

Rose: Of course, he doesn't know my track record, so I think he would've been toast if he met me. =D

Bella: (rolls eyes) You people are crazy.

Bella: But I love ya. I love ya all.

Bella: So, what are you all going to do this summer?

Emmett: Rose and I are going to break some houses. (wink wink nudge nudge)

Bella: Say no more! =(

Bella: Edward and I are getting married this summer, btw.

Rose: Orly? What happens when you're 89 and Edward's still forever 17?

Bella: He's going to change me into a vampire.

Rose: Honey, he's the type who breaks promises.

Edward: I'm a nervous wreck about changing her into a vampire. If anything should happen to her (God forbid), then she'd go to Hell.

Rose: No, everyone loves her too goddamn much. No one's out to get her, least of all the dogs and Volturi.

Bella: Rose, may I say you need to get off your throne and see the pack as who they really are?

Rose: What about Sam and Emily? And Quil and Claire?

Bella: All right, Sam's a jackass, Emily is scared to death of him, which is why she agreed to marry him... something that I don't like at all. Quil and Claire are damn creepy.

Emmett: You know Jacob and you have a thing going on? And that he could imprint on you at any time?

Bella: (facepalm) Edward and I are already in love. It doesn't work like that.

Emmett: Bella, I think you're in love with two men. That's why he could be able to imprint on you, dammit!

Edward: Well, suffice to say, if he tries making a move on Bella, I'll murder him.

Bella: Can we change the subject? Let's talk about something **nice.**

Emmett: Bella, congrats on your marriage. You could've done better than Edward, but hey, at least neither of you will be virgins anymore.

Edward: (rolls eyes)

Edward: We're not going to have sex until after she's transformed into a vampire.

Emmett: Wow, Edward, controlling, much?

Edward: No, Emmett, I value her life.

Bella: Don't worry, Emmett. If he's too much of a wimp to bite me, we're still going to have sex.

Edward: Do you want to be killed?

Bella: Sweetie, you're the most adorable guy I've met. I wouldn't expect you to kill me.

Edward: Don't underestimate me.

Bella: You're doing it again.

Edward: What?

Bella: You're being overprotective. I think I can take care of myself.

Edward: I know, love. Just being on the safe side.

Bella: Don't get the wrong idea. You're a sweetheart.

Edward: Awww, shucks. (would blush if he was able to)

Emmett: Edward, from one guy to another... GIT 'R DONE!

Edward: I'll see. Remember that two people have to want to have sex.

Rose: Lol, Emmett. You're the real sweetheart. No offense, Edward, but you're kind of pathetic. Bella complements you perfectly.

Bella: Well, it's kind of hard to take you seriously if you're jealous.

Rose: Damn right I'm jealous. Your humanity is in your fingertips, and you willingly throw that away to be with your dream man? I wish I was that lucky.

Bella: Well, at least you look like a runway model... unlike me.

Rose: Don't start, Bella.

Rose: "Oh, poor pitiful me!" You drive me up the wall when you do that.

Edward: She's a person, too.

Rose: Well, the way I was taught was that if you're going to act like a bitch, expect to be treated like a bitch.

Emmett: Don't start, Rose. Just let it go, for once in your life, please?

Rose: Urgh... am I the only one who hates Bella?

Emmett: Hate to break it to you, but, yeah, you kind of are.

Rose: Oh, well. At least I still have my teddy bear.

Emmett: That you do, Rose. =)

**Interested in seeing more? If so, I'll be updating it shortly! If you have any suggestions for future ideas, then say so in a review! Constructive criticism is appreciated!**


	2. How hyper on caffeine can you get?

Emmett's a peach

Chapter 2: Bella and the werewolves get hyper on soft drinks

(Bella has entered.)

Jacob: Hi, Bella! =D

Embry: Hi, Bella! =)

Jared: Bella! =D

Kim: Hi, Bella! =)

Bella: Nice to see you all, guys. =)

Bella: Seriously, you're way too nice to me. I'm not used to being treated this special.

Bella: Where are Sam, Emily, and Leah?

Bella: Not that I mind their absence...

Embry: Sam and Emily are at home, Leah's hanging out in the woods (I guess, didn't see her). Paul's sick.

Bella: Give him my best regards.

Embry: I will. =)

Jacob: So, wanna come over to my place and have some pop?

Bella: Wow, I really am an Arizonan girl.

Bella: I'm still getting used to people calling it "pop"! XD

After Bella drove over to Jake's place...

Jacob poured out the soda for everyone, who were sitting in chairs around a table. Bella made a face.

"Sprite?" she said. "I don't like Sprite. Do you have any Coke?"

"Sure," said Jacob, pulling out a bottle of Coca-Cola from the fridge.

"I have an idea," said Embry. "Have any of you read William Golding's Lord of the Flies?"

"Yes. I liked it," said Bella. "I have an appreciation for the classics."

"Oh," said Embry. "Well, I was thinking we could play a 'Lord of the Flies' drinking game. With every bad line uttered in the book, you have to take a cup of pop."

Bella laughed, and remarked,

"I think I'll make it through the book without a problem. I read it way back in eighth grade, though, so my memory's a little fuzzy."

Jacob patted her on the shoulder, and said,

"You're a brave soul, Bella. I have never read a more awful book in my life."

Three hours later...

"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard!" sang Kim. She was topless, wore a hula skirt and flip-flops, and had smeared apple pie all over her body.

"And they're like, it's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge!" sang Bella. She was wearing a coconut-shell bra, the bottom part of a bikini, and had covered her entire body with avocado paste. She had put enormous amounts of hair gel in her hair in order for it to look like a bad 80s hairstyle.

"You go, girls!" shouted Jared, Embry, and Jacob. They were wearing ninja outfits, found from a costume drawer. Jared, Embry, and Jacob were spinning their hips in circles and bowing down to Kim and Bella to the rhythm of the beat.

Just then, Mr. Billy Black opened the door. After he saw everyone, he shouted,

"When I find out who started this mess, it's going to be real ugly around here!"

No one heard what he said. After his remark, they all passed out.

**Read and find out what happens next! Suggestions for future chapters, and constructive criticism, are greatly appreciated!**


	3. Edward, I want to marry you or Jacob

**Emmett's a Peach**

**Chapter 3**

**"Edward! I love you! I want to marry you... or Jacob."**

**A/N: This is set during Eclipse.**

(Bella has entered.)

Bella: Anyone here?

(Edward has entered.)

Bella: Hi, Edward!

Edward: Hello, my sweet. Have a good night's rest?

Bella: Yes. (giggles)

Edward: What's making you laugh today, love?

Bella: Oh...

(Jacob has entered.)

Bella: ...him.

Jacob: Hi, Bella! =D

Bella: Oh, hi, Jacob.

Edward: Bella... am I dreaming, or did you give Jacob means to contact you through MSN Messenger?

Bella: Yes, Edward, is that such a problem?

Edward: If it's Jacob, yes.

Jacob: Wow, feeling high-and-mighty today, aren't we, Edward?

Bella: (_facepalm_) The things I put up with...

Jacob: See? She thinks you're nuts, Edward.

Edward: On the contrary, she thinks you're nuts, whereas I'm nice.

Jacob: Let's see... 105-year-old man screwing a 18-year-old girl... no.

Edward: No one's screwing anybody, **at least I hope not.**

Bella: Honestly, Edward, I wouldn't sink _that_ low.

Jacob: Bella, did Edward do anything for you? Really? What has he done for you besides the physical aspect?

Bella: Jake, sweetie, I love you like a brother, but I just don't see us getting married. And, Edward, I am not your daughter, I am your _girlfriend._ This means I can see whomever I damn please.

Jacob: All right, awesome!

Edward: You know what happened to Emily.

Jacob: You know what happened to the 51 people Edward murdered, right?

Bella: (_is beginning to get very impatient_) Why are you two acting like children?!

Edward: Why, I'm not, but the pup is.

Jacob: I believe the leech is, sweetie.

Edward: Don't call her "sweetie"! She's my sweetie!

Jacob: Wow, possessive, much?

Edward: Bella, if you got into a relationship with Jacob, you'd realize how good you had it with me. Now, I understand it's your choice, but I'm just saying.

Jacob: This is the same man who almost killed her for her blood.

Edward: I'm a professional at dealing with her scent, pup.

Jacob: No. No, no, no. You see, I don't like bullshit. I especially don't like when people spout bullshit.

Edward: Then you must hate yourself, then.

Jacob: (_rolls eyes_) Just ignore him, Bella.

Edward: Ignore Jacob, love.

Bella: (_grits teeth_) If you keep this up, I'll leave.

Edward: Why don't you come over to my place?

Jacob: Why don't you come over to my place?

Edward: Remember the drinking game?

Jacob: That was Embry's idea! Anyway, he says he's very sorry, and he won't do it again. Come over to my place, Bella.

Edward: Don't you hang out with him six out of seven days?

Jacob: No, she divides her time between you and I. Come on, Edward! Don't you have a life outside of Bella?

Edward: No.

Jacob: There, you see?

Edward: But, you do! Which means she needs to spend more time with me!

Jacob: No, she needs to spend more time with me so she won't have a heart attack from an orgasm when you sparkle!

(Officer_Charlie_Swan has entered.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Is there a problem?

Jacob: Why, no, Officer Swan.

Edward: Yes, Jacob... he's a dear, really... is sexually harassing your daughter.

Jacob: YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DID _NOT_ JUST RAT ME OUT! All right, two can play at that game! Edward could crush every bone in your daughter's body if he wanted to! AND HE'S FULLY CAPABLE OF IT!

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Are they always like this, Bells?

Bella: Frequently.

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Um, gentlemen. Bella's 18 now, and if you can't observe yourselves professionally, she has the power to kick you or ban you from MSN Messenger.

Jacob: ...shit.

Edward: Bella, you wouldn't do that, love?

Bella: I would if you push it.

Edward: Sorry.

Jacob: Sorry, Bella.

Bella: I think I've had enough attention for one day. Bye, guys.

(Bella has left.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Happy now, gentlemen? You made her leave.

Edward: Well, it was clearly Jacob's fault.

Jacob: Don't start, Edward.

(Jacob has left.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Anything else?

Edward: Just that you have a fine, beautiful young daughter, and that I'm going to ask for her hand in marriage. Thank you so much. Bye.

(Edward has left.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Well, that was awfully- WHAT?!

**"What?!", indeed. Stay tuned for more chapters of "Emmett's a Peach", coming up soon! Suggestions for future chapters, and constructive criticism, are greatly appreciated!**


	4. The inspiration behind the title!

**Emmett's a peach**

**Chapter 4**

**The inspiration behind the title!**

(Emmett has entered.)

(Rosalie has entered.)

Emmett: (_breathes a sigh of relief_) Finally, we can use the computer in peace!

Rosalie: Isn't it nice?

Emmett: Yes, it is, sweetie.

(Jasper has entered.)

(Alice has entered.)

Jasper: Oh, shit.

Rosalie: Nice welcome!

Emmett: Hi, Jazzy!

Alice: I saw that coming, Jazz.

Jasper: Then why didn't you warn me?

Alice: Because it's cute!

Rosalie: You are pretty cute sometimes, Jazzikins.

Emmett: LOL! I've got to see the look on your face, _Jazzikins!_

Alice: Okay, that was pushing it, Rose. And, Emmett, don't encourage her.

Rosalie: Why?

Alice: It just is.

Rosalie: Why?

Alice: "Jazzikins" is only appropriate coming from me, okay?

Rosalie: So we can't call your husband "Ickle wickle widdly woodly Jazzikins"?

Jasper: You know what I'm going to do to you, Rose?

Rosalie: WHEE!

Alice: LOL!

Emmett: What did you DO to her?!

Rosalie: I FEEL PRETTY, AND WITTY, AND GAY!

Alice: Why, so do I, Rose. It's nice to know you've finally looked on the bright side of life.

Rosalie: Whoosh!

Alice: Jazz, you are so dead. If Rose isn't going to kill you, Emmett will.

Jasper: But you're going to help me... right?

Alice: Oh, of course.

Emmett: Look what you've done to her, Jasper! You should be ashamed!

Rosalie: YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT, JASPER!

Emmett: Yes, you will, with blood money.

Jasper: Vampires don't have blood.

Emmett: All right, with VENOM money.

Rosalie: (_facepalm_) Just beat him up like you do best, Emmett. I'll help.

Alice: Oh, Jazz and I are going to win.

Rosalie: You stay out of it, Little Miss Pixie!

Alice: Pixie?

Rosalie: Yeah.

Alice: PIXIE?! OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T! OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T, ROSALIE!

(Alice has left.)

Rosalie: OH, YES, I

(Error: Emmett's computer is unable to recieve MSN Messenger.)

Jasper's suspicions proved correct when he saw that Emmett and Rosalie were lying on the floor, looking disheveled. The room had been completely destroyed. Alice had bashed Emmett's head into his computer, explaining why it was broken.

"I told you we'd win," said Alice, looking bright and cheerful.

"Ugh... sorry, Alice," moaned Emmett. "That hurt..."

"Well, Rose, Emmett, have you learned your lesson?" asked Alice sinisterly.

"Yes, pixie," mumbled Rosalie.

"What was that?" asked Alice sharply.

"Yeah, I guess. Don't call people names," said Rosalie.

"What did I do?" demanded Emmett.

"You assisted her, sweet cheeks," said Alice.

"Sweet cheeks?" groaned Emmett.

"Emmett, don't deny that you're a peach," said Jasper.

Alice laughed. Emmett snarled. Rosalie had her head in her hands. Jasper looked smug.

"I'm going to get you for this," snapped Rosalie.

"Just you try," said Alice sinisterly.

**So, what did you think? If you have any suggestions for future ideas, then say so in a review! Constructive criticism is appreciated!**


	5. When Jasper gets bored, run!

**Emmett's a Peach**

**Chapter 5**

**"When Jasper gets bored, run for your life!"**

**A/N: This is set after Twilight and before New Moon. Enjoy!**

**Warning: This is a pornographic story. Reader discretion is advised. This is intended for mature readers. I assume no responsibility if you're too young to read this and ignore my instructions. You have been warned.**

I was sitting in my calculus class, body erect, posture firm, and paying the utmost attention. No distractions would break away my attention from the subject which I had studied countless times.

My sibling, Edward, called high school purgatory once upon a time. After Bella came along, Edward became more emotionally distressed than me and planned his whole life around Bella, which was a great relief to me. It made me feel much better about myself. All the same, I was so bored, I was going mad. There was only so much school I could take. I was secretly hoping for the apocyalpse to come so there would be no more schooling available.

Eternity was hardly what it was cracked up to be. Sometimes, I thought that I should've killed myself when I had the chance. Alice was the only thing that kept me going.

_Oh, just think, Jazz_, I thought, _Soon you'll be going home and treating yourself to sinful pleasures._

Suddenly, I was aware that I had a boner in the middle of class, due to my sexual fantasies. A wild idea came to me.

My teacher said, "I'm going to turn on the overhead projector. _Jesus fucking Christ!"_

I never liked my teacher, so it was only a wicked sense of joy that passed through me when I saw that he had ejaculated. Everyone was either shocked or mortified. However, I soon made everyone in the room feel amused. People were laughing so hard, I was afraid I had given them seizures. Just then, the bell rang. Now, it was time for me to exact revenge on Bella's human friends for talking trash about us.

Bella sat with us, of course. She found us more entertaining and intelligent than her human friends.

"Bella, permission to make a supposition," I suggested.

"Sure," she said.

"Oh, no," said Emmett. "When Jasper's brain is ticking, you know you're in for it."

Everyone laughed, especially Alice.

"So, Bella, have you heard what happened in my calculus class?" I asked.

"It's a small school," she said, shrugging. "Everyone hears everything the minute after it happens."

"Guess who the culprit was," I said with a smirk.

"Oh, my God," said Bella, turning red with shock.

"The teacher took the day off," said Edward, registering me with disapproval, "If I recall correctly."

"Yes, I saw him in the front office," said Alice.

"Premonition, right?" asked Bella.

"Yes," said Alice, beaming with delight like a little pixie.

"So, Bella, my supposition is that I wanted to give all of your friends sexual climaxes," I explained. "It's high time they got what they were asking for."

I expected Bella to sternly rebuke me, but she instead smiled mischeviously.

"Go for it," she said.

"Bella, are you sure-" said Edward.

"Quite sure," interrupted Bella. "They've been nothing but nasty."

"Make it so that Newton kid gets his jizz shot up all the way to the cieling," said Emmett.

"That's not scientifically possible," explained Edward. "The highest it could go would be his belly-button if his stomach was in an upright position, and that's a world record."

Everyone stared at him.

"Don't believe what you see in porn flicks," said Edward, with a shrug.

"World record?" asked Rosalie dubiously. "Honestly, Edward, I think you read too much."

"Can we get on with it?" asked Emmett.

"Yes," I said. I concentrated, and made Bella's human friends sexually excited.

Jessica began panting and heaving heavily.

"God! _God!"_ she shouted. Everyone in the lunchroom stared at her.

"Are you all- _Sweet Mother McRee!"_ shouted Mike. He had ejaculated, and was sprawled on the floor, moaning in agony.

"Don't do it to Angela," said Bella. "She's the only one I like."

"Will do," I promised.

"Fuck! _Fuck!"_ shouted Tyler, who had achieved a sexual climax. "Squeeze my dick! I'm dying here!" he shouted to Lauren so everyone in the lunchroom could hear.

"WHAT?!" shouted Lauren. "Jesus!"

She ran like an Olympic-winning track runner. That didn't stop me from making her fall to the floor, and moan and writhe in agony.

"Actually, Eric's nice. He's just a little bit of a geek for me," said Bella. "Don't do it to him."

"Will do," I said, not even attempting to suppress my laughter. Everyone at our table, including Bella, was in stitches. The rest of the lunchroom sat slack-jawed, more shocked than they had ever been in their lives...

The next day...

Rumor had it that Jessica, Mike, Tyler, and Lauren had been suspended for indecent behavior, and in Tyler's case, sexual harassment. Tyler was facing explusion and jail time, and was going to court soon. Everyone else was also going to court, and could also be facing jail time. I wasn't sorry at all, since they were all a bunch of scumbags.

**Flame all you want. I think this chapter needs it.**


	6. Embry, we can't go anywhere with you!

Emmett's a peach

Chapter 6

"Oh, Embry, we can't go anywhere with you!"

Alice: Bella?

Bella: Yes?  
Alice: Do you smell vinegar?

Bella: Aiiieeee! Those potato chips should've been done HOURS ago!

Alice: What?!!

Bella: Jacob and I were making homemade potato chips with sour cream and vinegar. It should've been done at NOON!

(Jacob has entered.)

Alice: Jacob, what do you have to say for yourself?

Jacob: Huh?

Bella: Come to my kitchen and check out the smoldering remains of potato chips!

Alice: The funny thing is that the vinegar I was talking about was actually Emmett playing a prank on Edward.

Bella: TWO vinegar-related incidents with the people I love? Ay yi yi, will this charade never end?

Jacob: You want an honest answer? No.

Bella: Shut up and clean up this mess, Jake!

Jacob: Yes, ma'am.

Jacob: But, Bella, I left to hang out with Embry, remember? And I told you, "Keep an eye on the potato chips."

Bella: You left?

Bella: When did you leave?

Jacob: This morning.

Bella: Why didn't you TELL me?!

Jacob: Wasn't it obvious when the door closed?!?!

Bella: Well, I was at the Cullen's house!

Jacob: You WERE?! Why didn't you TELL me?!

Alice: (facepalm)

Alice: Just another fun-filled day in Forks.

Bella: Well, at least it's not boring.

Jacob: You can say that again.

Later that day…

Carlisle: Now, gentlemen, it's time to say you're sorry.

Emmett: I'm sorry I poured a carton of vinegar down Edward's pants.

Jasper: Although it was pretty funny.

Emmett: (chuckles)

Alice: You're not sorry at all, guys. Are you going to do something like that again?

Emmett: No, because Edward's a poor sport.

Edward: My best pants, Emmett! MY BEST PANTS WERE RUINED!

Carlisle: Edward, calm down.

Carlisle: Answer Alice's question, Emmett.

Alice: Oh, I already know the answer… (rolls eyes)

Emmett: Oh, shut up, you…

Alice: DON'T OR I'LL KILL YOU!

Rosalie: You foresaw him calling you a pixie, didn't you?

Emmett: Whoops, forgot myself there. Heh heh.

Emmett: DON'T HURT ME, ALICE!

Rosalie: You're worried that a little… vampire will kill you?

Carlisle: (head in hands) Dear God, answer me this question. What did I do to deserve this fate?

Later that night…

Embry: You know, Jake, maybe you shouldn't hang out with me anymore.

Jacob: Shut up!

Seth: I have to admit, Jake; that was pretty funny.

Sam: So, Jake, up for some burnt potato chips?

Jacob: I threw them in the trash.

Leah: Oh, don't worry. We can dig them out of the trash.

Jacob: Grrr…

Sam: Oh, no, he's phasing! Run!

Jacob: Embry?  
Embry: Yes?

Jacob: Why did you invite me over again?

Embry: Well, I heard Bella was going over to the Cullen's place, and I did not want to smell your stinky breath for the next week.

Jacob: This was PLANNED?!

Embry: Yes, sir.

Jacob: Apologize to Bella right now! It was her idea!

Embry: No kidding. I wonder what else goes on in that half-baked brain of hers? Oh, right, she lusts after Edward.

Sam: LOL!

Leah: (practically DYING of laughter)

Jacob: (glares)

Embry: (grins smugly)

Jacob: I'm going to invite Bella here, and you're going to apologize, mister!

Leah: It's 2:00am. You think she'll be awake?

Jacob: All right, tomorrow morning, then.

(Jacob has left.)

Embry: I think the vampire musk that accumulates around Bella is getting to him…


	7. Rosalie vs Alice

Emmett's a peach

Chapter 7

Rosalie vs. Alice

A/N: Remember when Rosalie said "she'd get Alice for this" back in Chapter 4? Well, here's her revenge. Also, I haven't noticed any chat room fanfics with Rosalie and Alice.

Warning: There's a death of a main character in this chapter. Not for the faint of heart.

(Rosalie has entered.)

Rosalie: Whoop-de-doo. Bored.

(Alice has entered.)

Rosalie: Oh, hell no! I'm not that bored!

Alice: Oh… wonderful.

Rosalie: What do you want?

Alice: Nothing, dear, I was waiting for someone with a brain to show up. This is a public chat room.

Rosalie: The funny thing? Whenever I'm on here, there's no one here but us.

Alice: So, anyway, we might as well talk. Why is it that the Team Rosalie fangirls are always bitches and the Team Alice fangirls always nice, bright, and cheerful?

Rosalie: Shut your face.

Alice: No, really, why do you think that is? I'm dying to know.

Rosalie: You're already dead.

Alice: You know what I mean.  
Rosalie: Maybe they're kind, beautiful people who have brains larger than a gopher's, and can therefore sympathize with me.

Alice: I do sympathize with you, Rose, but sometimes, I think you're laying it on a little bit too thick.

Rosalie: No, I don't.

Alice: Yes, you do.

Rosalie: (grits teeth) No, I don't.

Alice: Grrr… yes, you do!

Rosalie: NO, I DON'T, YOU LITTLE… wait one second.

(Rosalie has left.)

Alice: Finally. Now I can have peace.

(Rosalie has entered.)

Rosalie: Hello, Jacob!

Jacob: Oh, fuck.

Rosalie: How are you doing this fine afternoon?

Jacob: This can't mean anything good…

Rosalie: Both of us are coming over to Bella's home and getting back at Alice.

Jacob: Why are we getting back at Alice?  
Rosalie: BECAUSE I SAID SO!  
Jacob: Yes, ma'am.

Jacob: Wait, why do you need ME, for chrissake?

Rosalie: Because then, Alice won't be able to see my moves to outsmart me.

Jacob: This cannot be good…

Rosalie: Actually, I'd like you to do it for me.

Jacob: Oh, no.

Rosalie: Now, I'll explain the juicy details when we get to Bella's place.

Jacob: Fuck.

Rosalie: Live with it, puppy!

(Jacob has left.)  
(Rosalie has left.)

Alice checked her e-mail and found an interesting one from "Mr. Xavier Candelabra". There was no return address. It contained pictures of Emmett and Rosalie having sex. She didn't even need to use her precognitive abilities to figure this one out. This screamed "Rosalie" all over it.

_All right, Mrs. Smart Ass_, thought Alice, _How will I get back at you?_

Meanwhile…

"Ah, sweet revenge," said Rosalie.

"Well, I'm glad that you censored my e-mail address," said Jacob. "Now, I'm going home."

"Oh, not now, puppy," said Rosalie. "Alice is here."

"Holy- I think I _need_ to go home!" shouted Jacob.

Rosalie held Jacob to the ground. Jacob phased, and then something dreadful happened…

Meanwhile…

"I'm home!" said Bella, who just came in. "Pee-yoo, something smells awful. Oh, hi, Alice."

"Hi, Bella," said Alice perkily. "Don't mind me, I'm going to kill Rosalie."

She sped at vampire speed upstairs. There was a horrible smell emanating from the closet.

"Blech!" said Alice. "What did you do, kill somebody?"

Rosalie said nothing. She looked apprehensive. Puzzled, Alice opened the closet, and a pile of ashes fell out. It smelled like werewolf. Alice flipped.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Joseph, and Mary!" she screeched at the top of her lungs.

Bella checked out the situation, and found the remains of Jacob. She began bawling, fell to the floor in utter horror, and scraped her chin. Alice comforted her.

"Jacob, I'm so sorry," Bella said.

Just then, pure venom marked Bella's eyes.

"Who did it?" she demanded.

"I don't know," lied Rosalie.

Bella looked her straight in the eye and caught Rosalie's apprehensiveness.

"It was an accident!" sputtered Rosalie. "We were fighting… and I… bit him…"

"Way to break the treaty!" shouted Alice. "But that's the least of our concerns! Look at this poor girl, just look at her! How horrible can a person be to reduce her to this?"

Bella looked like her heart had been broken in two.

"Well- well, you know what?" snapped Rosalie. "I'm sick and tired of you awful people… fuck this. I'm leaving."

"The werewolves are going to kill you, you know," said Alice, "And, I can't predict their moves. We'll protect you. Once you leave, you'll be lost."

"That's exactly what I want," hissed an enraged Rosalie, "And Emmett's coming with me! He's the only person in my miserable life that sees me for who I really am!"

Rosalie stormed out of the room and ran to fetch Emmett.

"And now, the end is nigh," quoted Alice.


	8. Switched lives

Emmett's a Peach 

Special Edition: Parallel universes!

Chapter 8

Switched lives

A/N: This is set during Twilight... or Midnight Sun, whatever you want to call it.

(Bella has entered.)

(Edward has entered.)

Bella: Goddamnit, Edward!

Edward: Beg pardon?

Bella: How the HELL did you find me on MSN Messenger? Didn't I tell you that I fear for your safety?

Edward: Oh, Alice told me.

Edward: Can I help it if I love you, love?

Bella: Yes, you can.

Bella: I could KILL YOU at any time. HELLO! And also, some nomad vampires that live off of HUMAN BLOOD are coming into town!

Edward: It doesn't matter, love. All that matters is that we love each other.

Bella: (_sigh_) Oh, Edward, what am I going to do with you?

Bella: And I need to have a talk with Alice whenever she comes around...

(Alice has entered.)

Alice: You rang?

Bella: ALICE! Don't you see this will only lead to complications?

Alice: Bella, you're going to marry him. I've already seen his future.

Bella: Remember that OTHER future, with his mangled body?

Edward: Pardon?

Bella: Alice saw a future of your bruised, bloodied body... AT MY HANDS!

Alice: I also saw a future of you safe, alive, and happy... and another one safe, happy, and... turned into a vampire.

Edward: Well, being a vampire sounds hideous, but I would give anything to be with you, Bella.

Bella: Well, how would Officer Swan react?

Edward: That's a problem. I think we'll have to wait until I'm 18, and then I can move out and just... never speak to him again.

Edward: On second thought, I'll have to sacrifice a lot if I want to be with you...

Edward: But everything that's part of my human life is superficial. My friends are shallow and selfish, my mother is irresponsible, and my father can't even cook without me.

Edward: I think it's the only option if I want to find happiness.

Bella: All right, Edward, it's your choice, but you'd be so much happier in your human life. Trust me. I am a killer.

Edward: Oh, love, I don't care. I see the human that once lay dormant within you. It's coming out with every time we spend together.

Alice: Wow, Edward, you're very poetic. I think I'll love to have you as an addition to the family.

Alice: What do you think of us?

Edward: Dr. Cullen seems very compassionate. Mrs. Cullen is warm and motherly, the mother I never had. Emmett is really very open, and like a big brother around me. Jasper is kind-hearted and affectionate, but I have doubts as to whether he'll control his bloodlust around me...

Edward: Rosalie, I have doubts. She doesn't seem to like me.

Edward: And Bella's a darling. I can't argue against that.

Alice: To be honest, she doesn't like anyone besides herself or Emmett.

Bella: Also, she's jealous of you. You don't know how much she wants to be human, have children, and lead a normal life. She would give up being a vampire in a heartbeat. And once you become a vampire, there's no turning back.

Edward: Honestly, it doesn't seem as bad as you describe it. You pull it off quite well.

Bella: That's because we're good actors and actresses.

Alice: Actually, I enjoy myself. Jasper doesn't have time for frivolous concerns, and Emmett's just plain happy.

Edward: Well-said, Alice.

Bella: Way to normalize and rationalize the situation, Alice.

Edward: "Normal" has been removed from my vocabulary, love. It may reappear again once I turn into a vampire.

Bella: Oh, Edward... you're so young. You're so immature. You don't know any better. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Edward: Oh, well. I guess I'll just let the chips fall as they may.

Bella: I never saw any humor behind that statement.

Alice: Oh, Bella. You're such a worrywart. Now, why can't he come over to our place and meet us in person?

Bella: Guess he's going to have to. All right. Do you know the directions to our place?

Edward: Yes, ma'am.

Bella: See you there.

(Edward has left.)

Bella: You know, I admitted to him that I snuck into his room at night and watched him sleep.

Alice: How did he react?

Bella: I quote, "For God's sake, Bella, if you honestly wanted our relationship to progress appropriately, you'd exercize some propriety!"

Alice: XD

Alice: That's funny.

Bella: Man, he was angry. I can't imagine why.

Alice: Maybe because you invaded his privacy?

Bella: Don't start, Alice.


	9. A completely different love triangle

Emmett's a Peach

Special Edition: Parallel universes!

Chapter 9

The love triangle will never look the same again

A/N: This is set during Eclipse. Bella and Edward's lives have been switched, whereas Jacob is still Jacob. Edward and Jacob are still fighting over Bella.

(Edward has entered.)

(Bella has entered.)

Bella: Hi!

Edward: Hello, love.

Edward: About those marriage plans...

Bella: It's decided. Marriage, transformation, and then sex.

Edward: Good. Let's not have sex until I'm a vampire. I wouldn't want every bone in my body to be crushed.

(Jacob has entered.)

Edward: Oh, wonderful.

Jacob: Hi, Bella!

Bella: Oh, hi, Jake! What's up?

Jacob: Not much, just hanging out.

Jacob: Dumped Edward yet?

Edward: That's her decision, not yours.

Jacob: Are you telling me what to do?

Edward: (_gulps_) No...

Jacob: Good.

Bella: Jake, you're scaring him.

Jacob: Well, why shouldn't I? He's getting in the way of our beautiful relationship.

Bella: What beautiful relationship? I'm having a beautiful relationship with him.

Jacob: Sweetie, you could be doing much better. That's what I've been trying to say.

Bella: If you keep this up, I'm going to kick you out of this chatroom.

Jacob: All right. Later.

(Jacob has left.)

Edward: Thank God he left. He scares me.

Edward: What I wouldn't give to become a vampire and kill him...

Bella: Well, our relationship is already set in stone, and there's nothing he can do.

Bella: The funny thing? He always referred to vampires as "goddamned leeches" before he met me.

Edward: You have that charming effect on people.

Bella: Yeah. He tried to force a kiss on me under threat of suicide.

Edward: !

Edward: What did you do?!

Bella: I punched him in the face and told him, "If our love matters that little to you, then go right ahead!"

Edward: (_is awed_) Good... good for you. Wow.

Edward: I wonder what it would be like if that happened... and you were the human and I was the vampire.

Bella: Well, for starters, I think I'd exhibit common sense and skip the country.

Edward: Well, love, when I become a vampire, I won't need to skip the country.

Bella: Unless you get caught.

Edward: No, I don't think so. Your family hasn't been caught yet.

Bella: Actually, we have. Several times. But we have escaped without a problem. It's all about the connections.

Edward: Oh. I didn't know that.

Bella: Now you do.

Edward: Well, I think it'll be fine. You're just... what's the word for it... overdramatizing it.

Bella: Immortality is a curse. You get to see your friends die... your loved ones die... your relatives' grandchildren die...

Bella: I think I've gone insane. It's a miracle that other people in my family haven't.

Edward: I'm ready for it.

Bella: Do you know what you're doing?

Edward: Yes.

Bella: Okay.

Bella: I'm going hunting. Enjoy life.

Edward: I will. Goodbye.

Bella: Bye.

(Bella has left.)

(Edward has left.)


	10. It turns out everyone loves Bella

**Emmett's a Peach**

**Chapter 10**

**Special Edition: Parallel universes!**

**It turns out everyone really does love Bella. Who knew?**

**A/N: This is set during Eclipse. Basically, everyone fights over Bella. Enjoy!**

**Warning: People who want a same-sex relationship with Bella, people older than Bella's grandfather, Bella's father, Bella's daughter, and just about every character in the book all want her in their bed.**

(Bella has entered.)

(Alice has entered.)

(Embry has entered.)

Embry: Leech.

Alice: Dog.

Embry: Oh, what now, bitch?

Alice: If you were female, YOU'D be the bitch. Oh, BURN.

Embry: (_rolls eyes_) Well, I'm NOT female, as you can see. YOU'RE a psycho bitch, NOT me.

Alice: Whatever. I can see the future. She ends up with me.

Embry: You can't see the future when it comes to werewolves. Take that, bitch!

Alice: Bella and I are going to get married! Can't you respect that?!

Bella: (_headdesk of epic proportions_)

Alice: She'll be fine.

Embry: I was worried for a minute.

Bella: ALEC, GET YOUR ASS HERE RIGHT NOW!

(Indy_is_awesome has entered.)

Indy_is_awesome: Bella, I can't insert myself into the story! That's bad writing!

Bella: What the hell goes on in that head of yours? Never mind, I don't want to know. ANYWAY. The main focus during Eclipse is the love triangle between Edward, Jacob, and I.

Indy_is_awesome: Well, why didn't you say so?

(Indy_is_awesome has left.)

Bella: Somehow, I don't think he listened to my instructions.

(Edward has entered.)

Edward: Bella, my love! Oh, how I wish I could come over and wrap my arms around you!

Jacob: Say WHAT?! She's mine!

Edward: You're absurd, Jacob. She's obviously mine.

Alice: No, she's MINE.

Embry: Jacob, just stay out of this, okay? I'm marrying Bella, you're not, so deal with it. Not everything is about you.

Jacob: YOU FUCKING ANIMAL!!! I LOVE HER!!!

Jacob: Bella, I'm coming over RIGHT NOW and proposing to you!

Embry: OH, WHAT?! YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!!!

Bella: Alec, I hate your guts right now.

(Indy_is_awesome has entered.)

Indy_is_awesome: Did someone say, "Love entanglement of epic proportions"?

(Indy_is_awesome has left.)

Bella: Oh... no...

(Carlisle has entered.)

Carlisle: I love you, Bella! Marry me!

Jacob: Ewww, dude, you're 300 years old.

Carlisle: But I'm still 23 at heart.

Embry: If you're 23, you're still too old to fuck Bella. I mean, seriously, what the hell?

(Renesmee has entered.)

Renesmee: I LOVE YOU, BELLA, DO ME!

Bella: This is "Eclipse"! You don't EXIST yet!

Bella: And anyway, HOLY FUCKING CROW, I would NEVER screw my own daughter... even if she asked.

(Emmett has entered.)

(Rosalie has entered.)

(Jasper has entered.)

Emmett: I LOVE YOU, BELLA!

Rosalie: Emmett's not worthy of you, Bella! MARRY ME!

Jasper: You know you want me.

Bella: GOD, JASPER, QUIT SCREWING WITH MY EMOTIONS!

(Esme has entered.)

Esme: Young man, WHAT are you doing to Bella when you KNOW she's mine?

Bella: Holy flibberty gibbet.

(Mr. Billy Black has entered.)

Mr. Billy Black: Bella, I love you!

Jacob: WHAT THE HELL, DAD?!

(James has entered.)

James: Bella, wanna get married?

Alice: OMFG, HOW DID YOU COME BACK FROM THE DEAD?!

James: Reanimation of dead tissue!

Alice: Fair enough. But she's MINE!

(Officer_Swan has entered.)

Officer_Swan: Bella is marrying ME! And if any of you say ANYTHING against it, I WILL ARREST YOU!

Bella: Dad... I love you like a father. I don't see you as a husband.

Officer_Swan: Very cute, Bella. Now, the wedding will be a month from now, so you better get used to it.

Bella: I'm going to jump off a cliff to my death. Bye, guys.

(Bella has left.)

Everyone: NOOOOOO! I'M GOING TO SAVE YOU, BELLA!

(Everyone has left.)

**Please, for the love of God, even if you liked the story, flame. It'll make me feel better.**


	11. In which the Cullens are killed

**Emmett's a Peach**

**Chapter 11**

**In which the Cullens die a painful and horrible death**

**A/N: As you can guess, this will be the final chapter of "Emmett's a Peach". Not much point in continuing the story if the Cullens die, right?**

(Jasper has entered.)

Jasper: Hello.

Jasper: Hello?

(Emmett has entered.)

Jasper: Speak of the devil.

Emmett: What?

Jasper: Emmett, go talk to your fangirls.

Emmett: Don't worry, Jazz, I won't call you silly names.

Jasper: Well… what do you want?

Emmett: I have a plan.

Jasper: Oh, Lord.

Emmett: It involves antifreeze, a conveyor belt, and Bella.

(Bella has entered.)

Bella: Hey, guys.

Jasper: BELLA, RUN FAR, FAR AWAY!

Bella: Oh, Lord. It's Emmett, isn't it?

Jasper: Yes.

Bella: I'll tell Alice and Edward… but doubtless, Alice already knows.

Jasper: Alice is here, and she has this mischievous grin on her face.

Emmett: Oh, Lord.

(Edward has entered.)

(Alice has entered.)

(Rosalie has entered.)

Rosalie: If you touch Emmett, consider yourself DEAD!

Alice: Oh, I'll do more than that, Rose.

Bella: May the dear Lord have mercy on us all…

Edward: Bella, we're vampires.

Bella: Yeah, so?

Bella: Oh, right. Pardon me.

Emmett: lol

Alice: You won't be laughing for long, big boy.

Emmett: "Big boy"?

Edward: Pfffft HAHAHAHAHAHA

Emmett: D=

Bella: Isn't this the third shenanigan this week?!

Rosalie: Well, if you count the time that Emmett lit Edward's eyebrows on fire…

Emmett: Rose! You're on my side.

Rosalie: Emmett, don't deny it, it was hilarious.

Edward: Thanks to you, I now have no eyebrows, Emmett.

Bella: Can't we all just get along?

Rosalie: No.

Alice: I'd like to, but _some_ people don't give me any room to.

Emmett: I resent that. Can't a guy have fun?

Alice: No. And the football game loses tonight, Emmett.

Emmett: Damn you, Alice.

Bella: I'm getting Carlisle…

(Bella has left.)

Rosalie: Ooh, big, tough Carlisle, who's only five years older than me.

Edward: More like two hundred years.

Rosalie: He's still 23, sweetie.

Edward: "Sweetie"?

Alice: Don't call Edward "sweetie", Rose. Death, doom, and destruction will result.

Edward: "SWEETIE"?!

Rosalie: Well, excuuuuse me!

Edward: Oh, don't go there, you fat momma!

Rosalie: "FAT MOMMA"?!

Emmett: Screw it, I'm going to go with my plan anyway!

(Emmett has left.)

Alice: EVERYONE, STOP HIM! He's going to severely injure Bella and Edward!

Rosalie: Do I look like I care? Edward and Bella have been nothing but trouble since they first got here!

Edward: In case you've forgotten, if it weren't for me, you'd all be dead! I was the first person who gave Carlisle the idea of transforming me for survival!

Alice: Oh, the hell with this! Jasper, come with me!

Jasper: Yes, ma'am.

(Alice has left.)

(Jasper has left.)

When Alice and Jasper came downstairs, they found that Emmett had nailed Bella to a conveyor belt and was pouring antifreeze all over Bella. He was about to light a match on her before Alice tackled him to the ground. The lit match hit the ground, and began burning the house down. Alice released Bella, and Bella and Emmett began death wrestling. Alice and Jasper tried to zap the place with fire extinguishers, but to no avail. The fire was spreading too quickly and no one could get out in time. Everyone died a painful and horrible death.


End file.
